The Mark of A Real Man

What is a real man?  How will I know him when I see him?  The ideal man so many Christians envision is one that repels me.  They think a real man is a "godly" man, one who dresses and conducts himself in a certain way, one who is a "cut above the cloth."  He follows all of the rules, was homeschooled, has never smoked or even held hands with a girl in his life.  He prays before every meal, tithes, teaches catechism, has a nice white collar education and job.  He never swears and behaves like a "real gentleman."  He does everything perfectly.  God forbid he should ever consider marrying anyone other than a virgin.

Speaking through the voice of experience, I feel like this sort of man would find me particularly attractive, because at a purely surface glance I might appear to have all of my ducks in a row.  And that is what I find so wholly unattractive about this caliber of guy.  They approach relationships and marriage with a kind of "shopping cart" mentality, a utilitarian attitude that views a woman merely as a prize to be acquired, a trophy to occupy the place of honor on the mantelpiece. 

I have never understood the negative, self-centered reactions of some fine, upstanding young men when they discover that the woman they have been pursuing is not the spotless paragon of purity they thought she was.  It's as if they feel like the virginity of a woman is something they are entitled to, and they are handling "damaged goods."  This is the righteous mask that the objectification of a woman tends to hide itself behind.  These men fail to see the woman for the beauty of who she is, and can only focus on what she is not.  For them, all they can see is that their "possession" has been tampered with.

Any guy truly worth his salt will love the woman in his life for who she is, as a person.  He will see that she may have had a broken past, but she has changed and is living a chaste life now.  She is still herself.  She is still a gift to him.  Whatever she may have done in the past should be eclipsed by the very dignity of who she is as a person.  When she gives herself to him on their wedding night, the fact that she is not a virgin does not in any way diminish the fact that she is still making a total gift of herself to him.  A real man will value this woman and the gift of self she gives him just as she is, because he loves her.  He will greatly cherish the courage that revealing the past required of her.

I happen to be a virgin, but this does not make me any better or more valuable of a person then someone who is no longer a virgin.  If I am still a virgin, it's nothing for me to get credit for.  It is owed only to God's grace and to the fact that I was taught and brought up in that mindset.  I am as human as anyone else and have been tempted to lose my virginity, just like anyone else.  "But for the grace of God, there go I..."

To me, it doesn't matter whether or not my future husband is a virgin.  What matters to me is who he is, and how he is living his life now rather then whatever he may have done in the past.  I find a man with a sinful past who has seen his mistakes, changed and is now living for God infinitely more attractive than a cleanshaven, "upright" man who is only that way because of privileged circumstances, and who looks at a woman as a possession to be acquired and her virginity as something he is entitled to.  The kind of man I am looking for is a humble one with the courage to admit his own weakness and the ability to see and love me for who I am as a person instead of an object or ideal.  This, I truly believe, is the mark of a real man.

What Love Is

I believe in love.  I believe that love is for forever, and I am willing to wait for it. 

The problem with our society is that it has lost sight of what love truly is.

"I love you"... so long as you can love me back, so long as you are useful, so long as you do as I desire, as I require.  But when you can no longer love me in the way I wish, when it is no longer convenient for me to love you, when you are no longer any use for me, when you begin to hinder my freedom to go about and do as I please whenever I please, then I can no longer love you.

But, as Mother Teresa once put it, for love to be love, it has to hurt.

Love looks like a crucifix. 

It hurts.

It isn't easy or convenient.

It means sacrifice.

It is something you choose to do, even when the feeling is gone. 

Pope Benedict XVI once said that there is no true love without suffering.

When a man and a woman make their marriage vows before God and the church and the world, they pledge to love each other as long as they live, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, till death do them part. 

And they have no idea what they are getting themselves into, by choosing to love.

Children will come, and sickness will come.  They may lose their jobs or have a child with a severe handicap or disability.  They may get hurt, they may watch their children leave the faith, they may watch their family members and friends grow old, get sick, die.  They may lose their children or even each other. 

Yes, love hurts.

But in the end, it is worth it.